A Comedy of Hollows
by regeris
Summary: During the time-skip, Rukia, Starrk and Grimmjow sat around a campfire in the Menos Forest. Bickering about skittles.


**A/N I do not own Bleach. So I got bored, and this story has been bouncing in my head for a while now. And I was missing Starrk and Grimmjow, and disappointed that we didn't see much of Rukia in her capacity as fukutaicho. So here it is. Super casual. Don't really know where I'm going with this except that it's going to be mostly canon-compliant except the thing about Starrk being alive and all.**

"Men, on me." Kuchiki fukutaicho gestured towards her subordinates as moonlight doused them all in white. Her strike team moved swiftly between rooftops in Shunpo towards the area where the disturbance was reported. They were weak, to be sure, but reports had that it was mostly concentrated in one area in the outskirts of Karakura town. As soon as the reports came in from the Twelfth Division, Ukitake taicho called Rukia into his office with an apologetic air. _Sorry, Kuchiki! It's could be up to one month long depending on what you find. I know it's probably too soon for you to be back_. _But nobody knows the area like you do, and in case it's a serious threat, nobody is more qualified than you are. _That's no trouble at all, taicho! She had assured him. _Tch. Of _course_ it was. _She was counting on never going back if she could help it! And then there was her bankai training, which would have to be put on hold. _When you come back, I'll train you personally, okay? That's it. Great! I know I can count on you!_ Then he ruffled her hair like the good fatherly figure he was, the kind of father who just made his child do something highly unpleasant, like, you know, _homework. _He got that right. If she could do nothing else, and admittedly, she's pretty damn useless seventy-five percent of the time, it's to be counted on. How underwhelming. But then again, everything about her had always been underwhelming, from her height to her unremarkable reiryoku.

"To think I'm assigned _here_ again, after only six months. 'Never' is _awfully_ short." The newly-minted fukutaicho muttered to herself. "And the first thing I want to do is to go kick down his window." _Like I always used to do_. "Oh, _focus,_ for the love of-"

"Kuchiki-dono! Reporting! A moving target due east! It could lead us to our objective!" The seventh seat and second in command of the mission, shouted in her ear.

"Got it. Maruyama-kun," she addressed him. "We take the lead. The rest of you keep ten paces behind. If it's an ordinary hollow, we should be able to take it down easily. If not," She stared evenly at her men and they shrank back a little, her uppity _Kuchiki-ness_ more authentic by the day; now she even had a pair of gloves to show for it. "Try to make sure that even one of you make it out alive to report back to Soul Society." The look in her eyes told them that to the contrary, if _she_ couldn't defeat them, there was no way in hell any of _them_ could make it out in one piece. Or hell, that was being generous. Let's say two.

"Hai, Kuchiki fukutaicho!" the men of the Thirteenth were nothing if not loyal and hardworking even if like her, they were nothing to write home about in every other aspect. Ironically, that made them one of the most effective divisions. They were all weak in their own ways, some aspects weaker than others and they knew it. They were under no illusions that any of them could prevail against say, even an unranked shinigami in the Eleventh, but this self knowledge was also what made teamwork so smooth. They simply had no pride to offend. No pride, but a whole lot of love for the Thirteenth and Ukitake taicho, who, ironically, is among the strongest.

As their target came into view, they realized that there were in fact around fifty signatures crowding the area, and in its center a gigantic ball of white mist.

"What the…" Maruyama's face adopted an expression of puzzled contemplation.

"Maruyama!" Rukia shouted.

"Hai!"

"You and I are going in. And you!" She addressed the rest of the group. "There are too many hollows here for you all to handle. Leave them to us. Stay on the edge of the circle and do not let them surround you. Exterminate them if they get too close. And _you!" _She pointed at the new female recruit, a plain-looking brunette. "You just stay alive and keep Soul Society posted."

She was new enough to have had only one field experience, and according to Kiyone, the hapless girl had panicked and was nearly eaten. That just won't do. She'd just get in the way. Ukitake taicho, bless his soul, was kind enough to let her come alone after the young girl _implored_ him. She knew she was in danger of losing any kind of opportunity for field work and to be forever relegated to petty office errands and when Ukitake looked at Rukia like _that_, she just indulged the old man with a sigh.

"But Kuchiki fukutaicho!" She protested, her small, watery blue eyes desperate.

"Mind yourself, cadet. That was a direct order and additionally, communications duty will be where you are most useful. To put it simply, you lack experience. Don't worry. I do not plan on mentioning specifics regarding unseated shinigami in this report. I expect taicho would be much more interested in the mission itself. As far as he is concerned, you did the same as everyone else." Rukia's tone was unwavering but not unkind.

If Kaien-dono had not given her the chance, she would not be where she was today. Sometimes a cadet fares badly not because she necessarily lacks the skill, but the self confidence (of course, they could actually just be mediocre, but the principle holds). _But I am not Kaien-dono_, Rukia thought. She could never be as charismatic or as kind. Even though she had a naturally warm personality, she always treated strangers and acquaintances with an aloof formality that had many wondering if she had been born a Kuchiki. She was more of a stoic, no-nonsense leader, none of the laid-back big brother air that Kaien put on, so it was understandable that _I will never be as loved as Kaien-dono, nor will I ever measure up._

_"_Hai." She said in a small voice. Rukia did not allow herself the time to feel sorry for the girl.

"To your positions!"

And she charged into the fray with her second-in-command.

After cutting down several Hollows, she realized that there were actually _Menos _class hollows there. Fortunately, they were Gillian. _Why hadn't I sensed them?_ It seemed that after her stint in Hueco Mundo, her ability to sense ordinary hollows had in fact deteriorated. _Maybe it's because I spent so much time fighting the likes of Adjuchas and the _Espada_. _She thought with disgust. _Those reiatsu are on a different order of magnitude all together, no wonder being overdosed by them hadn't completely worn off and even Menos feel like normal hollows to me. Or am I getting rusty? _Sigh_._

_You keep having thoughts like that and you have the gall to ask me why I'm not revealing my bankai name to you. How are you supposed to wield my bankai if you undermine yourself at every turn? I love you, Rukia, so I'm telling you this much. It's as unfailingly lethal to yourself as it is to enemies. Wield it well and you are unstoppable, wield it half-heartedly and you are dead. Even if your skills are overwhelmed, even if your resolve crumbles, you must never waver in your self confidence or it will _consume_ you._

_I understand. Thank you, Sode no Shirayuki. I will try._

_See that you do. The next time I catch you doing something idiotic like that, I'll put another month between you and bankai! Now let me hear your resolve._

_THANK YOU, Sode no Shirayuki!_

With that, Rukia put all of her preoccupations behind her.

"Maruyama, focus on the Menos!" She ordered. No response. "Maruyama?!" She looked around frantically for her partner. _Don't tell me-_ The man was obeying her order, alright. He was focusing _hard_ on the Gillian that is grinning maniacally with his unchanging mask, trembling like the day he was born. Her first time field mission and it couldn't go easy on her. She remembered the time she first saw a Gillian. She thought the world was ending too. She had almost forgotten that to most shinigami who had not fought in the Winter War- and most of them didn't- Gillian were something out of a textbook. The stuff of legends. And because of that their rumored strength has taken on epic proportions. If only they knew that a normal Gillian should be no trouble for even an average Fourth Seat, and someone like Maruyama could most certainly handle it with a bit of difficulty. She sighed in exasperation and flash stepped to his side, grabbing him by the front of his shihakusho. Before she could yell some sense, however, a glowing blue arrow pierced the Gillian between the eyes. Both shinigami turned instinctively to face their "savior".

"Yo, Kuchiki-san." Out of the mist stepped a bespectacled Ishida Uryu, _this is so underwhelming_ written all over his face. Behind him were Yasutora Sado and Inoue Orihime.

"Thank you. That was just in time." She smiled broadly at her human nakama.

"To save this one from peeing his hakama? Yeah, I bet. These are small fry." Ishida. Cheeky as always. Rukia loved that about him.

"Hey hey, Ishida-kun! Don't make fun of him! I'll have you know this man before you is the Almighty Seventh Seat Maruyama-sama of the Thirteenth!" Rukia gestured towards Maruyama as if for a dramatic entrance and bowed deeply, mimicking Chappy in her most outrageous star-struck moments. Ishida raised an eyebrow at her antics and a giggling Orihime rushed to comfort the shaking man (and who knows if it's from fear or humiliation or, God forbid, having peed his hakama). "I need Maruyama-sama to have some semblance of authority in front of our men!"

"Ha. Fair enough! We'll keep the small fry at bay. You and Seventh-Seat-sama go fry the big fish, Kuchiki-san!"

Rukia nodded happily at her friends and the trio turned around and left. She thought she had heard Ishida mutter 'or as big as the fish is ever going to get in this crowd!' And Orihime's 'Small fish go great with apricot sauce!' and then a collective face palm.

"Fu-fu-fu-fukutaicho… T-t-that was cruel…" The mortified seventh seat managed to stammer. Rukia slapped him roughly on his back and he looked even more mortified, if possible.

"Oy! Maruyama! I was just kidding! Have a sense of _humor_ won't you!" Rukia said, mock-concern on her face.

"Y-y-you're in a good mood, fukutaicho?"

"Eh? I suppose I am. Now get up. I'll show you how to kill a Gillian."

He gulped.

"Oh come on, _Maruyama-sama_ (as he liked to refer to himself in the division). If you'd stop peeing in your hakama for a moment-"

"I'm not peeing in my hakama! With all due respect, I cannot discuss what's going on in my hakama!"

"-Metaphorically then, you'll find out that Gillian are actually not that bad! Who knows! I might get you a promotion once I draw an epic shonen manga for all posterity about your _great deeds_ slaying a-" A normal hollow tried to jump them, and Rukia split his mask open with Sode no Shirayuki as if she was swatting a fly. Maruyama's eyes widened in shame at how casual she was. "BIIIIIG SCARY MENOOOOOOS- I could even leave it vague, if you'd like. For all taicho knows, it could have been a Vasto Lorde!- I'm not half bad at drawing, I promise! So stand up, Maruyama! We're moving out!" As she finished, she downed another hollow with a lazy swing of her sword.

They flash stepped ever closer to the center of the circle and came across another Gillian who was readying a Cero for them both.

"Shakkaho! Now!" Rukia instructed as the Cero reached its full potency.

"Will it-?"

"_Yes!_"

"Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Hado #31, Shakkaho!" Maruyama shouted with a bit more courage in his voice. The kido caught the Cero mid-flight and the man looked amazed.

"NOW! Split his mask in half!"

"KYYYAAAAAAAHHHHH!" He shouted as he charged himself into a sprint and sprang into the air. Once directly above the Gillian, he saw that it had begun charging another Cero.

"_Oh no you don't!"_ He yelled, bringing down his katana with all of his might, not stopping until he had split the Gillian clean in half. With a dying roar, the hollow disintegrated. He turned around to catch Kuchiki-dono grinning proudly at him.

"Good! Now come." As they advanced into the mist.

At once, Rukia felt an overwhelming presence… No… Two of them, in fact, one was much greater than the other.

"Keep close to me." She whispered. An adjuchas approaching something unknown unconscious on the ground. Around them, mountains and mountains of dead hollows. How is this happening? By rights the unconscious figure should have been much more powerful?

"What _is_ this?" Maruyama whispered back, now barely able to stand due to the reiatsu.

"Shhh. We sneak up on the adjuchas. Both of these are extremely powerful. In fact I can't even tell what the other one is." Rukia signaled. Maruyama nodded, but his knees bucked and he fell to the ground.

"_Maruyama?_"

"I'm sorry, Kuchiki-dono. It's…" He sounded genuinely apologetic.

"It's quite alright. Get out of here now. You won't survive like this. Tell the cadet to ask for reinforcements. We might need to extend this assignment, if we even survive this. Get the rest of the team back to Soul Society and I will follow promptly once I have some intel on this thing, if I make it out alive."

"Kuchiki-dono! Come with me! This is dangerous!"

"In a minute. I-" and suddenly she was not there. The adjuchas has begun his assault on the prone figure and Kuchiki fukutaicho flash stepped to defend him.

Bowing, Maruyama left the vicinity as fast as he could.

The sound of steel clashed with the hard claws of the adjuchas as the unconscious figure slowly woke up. He groaned and saw a diminutive shinigami woman barely blocking the assault with her katana. A fight? Sigh. His head was pounding way too hard to be waking up in the middle of a battle. This was totally unfair. He closed his eyes again.

"Of all the shinigami I could have run into, it had to be a puny _girl_?" The adjuchas leered. "Why don't you be a good girl and leave me to my prey? Maybe I'll eat you quickly as a reward."

"I would not recommend taking me lightly, _hollow. _Underestimating me will be your undoing. Neither me nor your "prey", unless you are so blind as to not sense how powerful he is." The girl bristled at the blatant sexism in his comments.

"Sure, sure. He doesn't seem to mind being eaten, does he?"

Wouldn't he? Oh yes he would. He would very much. Being eaten does not sound very pleasant.

"Well, in any case, if you're still here then surely _you_ wouldn't object to being hollow-snack. So what's your name, girly, before you die? I figure I would let you go out with a bit of _dignity_, with respect for your… silly courage."

"How kind of you to care. My name is Kuchiki Rukia, fukutaicho of the Thirteenth Division and the slayer of the_ Noveno_, Aaroniero Arruruerie. No, don't even tell me your name. To get where you are you must have destroyed at least ten thousand lives. I have not an ounce of regard for your ilk. It's just your luck that you picked me for a snack tonight, because this puny girl is going to make you into a popsicle. Mae, Sode no Shirayuki!"

"Hahaha, this is fun!" He laughed maniacally. "An actual challenge!"

She grinned back and the temperature began to drop sharply. Suddenly parts of the adjuchas began to freeze and break off.

"Just what is this!" He screamed hoarsely as his claws disintegrated.

"This is my zanpakuto's most basic, yet most powerful ability. I lower my body temperature and the temperature of everything around me to absolute zero. But it looks like I don't even need to go that far to finish you."

True to her words, at -175 Kelvin, the adjuchas turned to dust with an inhuman wail. A cough sounded, and that was when Rukia remembered the presence of another behind her.

"Hey, girly, mind taking it easy? I'm freezing here." The lazy voice said. It belonged to a man with a long face and dark hair that draped in front of his face. His reiatsu, weak as it was by his own standards, Rukia realized with a jolt, was easily beyond that of an adjuchas.

"_Espada._" She cursed under her breath and leveled her sword at him. Nevertheless, the temperature slowly rose.

"Oy, I was about to thank you for saving my ass. Mind pointing that somewhere else? It's not polite, you know. Just trying to make conversation here." He removed her sword from his nose with a slight flick of his fingers that still packed a huge punch.

"Who are you?" She asked cautiously.

"Espada. But you know that already."

"You _know_ what I mean. Is this the extent of your conversational skills?"

He sighed.

"Kuchiki-san, you haven't even learned my name and you're already making fun of me. You're quite something."

She gritted her teeth.

"Just answer the question!"

"Have a sense of _humor _won't you! Fine fine." He pulled off his glove, revealing a gothic "**1**" tattooed on the back of his hand. "Coyote Starrk. _La Primera."_

The look of absolute despair on her face was priceless.


End file.
